Sunday, 30 November 2008

• The Executive To Do List

  Obama has a tall order ahead of him, and he is showing real promise of delivering on his word.  I'm becoming increasingly hopeful that our President Elect is going to tidy up those pesky little issues like the flailing world economy, The Ossetia conflict, the war in Iraq, etc.  However, I think there are a few quick-fix problems that could be easily mopped up by Obama, if he were to just read this blog...

  1. Windows Vista.  Even Bill Gates knows this is the crapbomb royal flush example of "if it ain't broke, don't fix it."  People have their hands cut off for less in some countries.  Bring back Windows '98....and resolved.

  2. Elevator buttons.  First, the "Open door" and "Close door" buttons should be required to actually work if they are going to be present in the elevator.  Second, when a floor button has already been selected and is lit up, it does not need to be pushed again.  If pushed again, the button should deliver a small punishing shock to the hasty fellow that thinks pushing it a few more times in rapid succession is going to provide any benefit.

  3. Target's credit card swipey devices.  How many prompts do we really need to use our debit cards?  Swipe. Enter PIN.  Receive receipt.  That's all we need.  But the newest and most awesomest prompt menu is when we get to indicate whether we want the whole charge all on this one debit/credit card.  I know these are shaky economic times, but are people really spreading out their Kenny G Christmas album and Bullseye vitamin purchases over multiple lines of credit?  How about we go back to old-fashioned times when I would tell the cashier whether I wanted cash back or whether I was going to pay in part with this credit card.

  4. My turbo backflow fireplace.  I've got piles of seasoned firewood out back, compliments of last year's wicked Ice Storm of 2007, but my lame chimney finds it unnecessary to allow physics to naturally draw out the smoke with the rising hot air.  Instead, within our fireplace exists swirling vortex of hate that funnels a death stream of smoke right into my children's previously healthy lungs.  The chimney sweep did what he could, but I think I need some Obama magic sprinkles on that.

  5. Pop Christmas music.  It's semi-acceptable the year it comes out and maybe the next year.  After that, it becomes more horrendous Delilah fodder.

  6. Consider spelling it O'bama.  It sounds a little more WASPy and might throw some water on the neo-Nazi fire.  Just think about it.

  7. Limits on the phrase "a sort of." This is primarily aimed at all NPR reporters who insist on saying "a sort of" every other sentence.  It's a sort of stamp of intellectualism that demands a sort of equally flamboyant pretentiousness by all those in earshot.

  8. Hoverboards.  We're all still waiting for our hoverboards, and since I remembered to remind you, I would like one autographed by Michael J. Fox.

  9. Rid America of these disgraceful 8 oz cans of soda.  Send that crap back to Europe where they enjoy a nice petite soda, extra room temperature, s'il vous plait.  Are there really people who can't finish those last 4 oz of the enormous 12 oz can?  If your stomach can't accommodate those massive quantities, I think you have 2 options.  1) Just buy bottles with resealable caps. B) Move to Europe III) Take the chunnel because, hey, you can.

  10. Obama, since you're already planning on shoveling a heap of coal into the stem cell research engine, why don't you enact a special task force that will focus on rebuilding Michael Jackon's nose and making him black and awesome again.  If we could resurrect the king of pop, I think it would drastically improve our relationship with Russia.

  • 10:41 PM
  • 98 Views
  • 6 eProps
  • 4 Comments