Wednesday, 10 December 2008
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Lars and the Real Girl
By Patricia Clarkson, Liisa Repo-Martell, Karen Robinson, Doug Lennox, Nicky Guadagni
see relatedForeign Cuisine Guilds
If you've dined out at all in America, you may notice that a lot of common foreign food eateries share too many qualities to be coincidental. I've done a little research, and it turns out that there are 3 major restaurant guilds in America, the Chinese, Italian, and Mexican, and are owned by the respective mob bosses Wu Woo, Francisco Francisca, Jr., and Rodrigo Rodriguez. I came across a few of their guild rules...
Chinese Restaurant
1. Cooks: Hispanic
2. Menu: Buffet and always include 1 general, either Tso or Tao. Don't forget french fry.
3. Decor: Jade, dragons, fountains with those spinning stone balls and lots of gaudy golden crap
4. Quality of Service: What is refill?
5. Nightcap: fortune cookie: the cheaper the restaurant, the worse the grammar on the "fortunes." Don't smoking make man for long living...in bed.
6. Nomenclature: Each town has to have at least one restaurant with the words "super," "China," "buffet," or all 3 in the name.Italian Restaurants
1. Cooks: Hispanic
2. Menu: Carbohydrates with a side salad. Pre-meal snack is bread with oil.
3. Decor: lots of old black and white photographs of Italian scenery never excluding the Tower of Pisa, some sort of fake wine rack full of bottles that are never touched
4. Quality of Service: Pretty good if you get the gay guy
5. Nightcap: Cup of mediocre coffee at Starbuxx prices
6. Nomenclature: Bonus points if you have someone's name in the title (e.g. Johnny Carino's, Zio's, Mamma Mia's)
Mexican Restaurants
1. Cooks: Hispanic with one Chinese guy
2. Menu: Not-so-authentic Mexican cuisine that tastes the exact same at every Mexican restaurant. Chips and salsa are pretty much mandatory by federal law now.
3. Decor: Bright colores, those wooden parrot things, a lone pinata, some trophies from of the restaurant family futbol team
4. Quality of Service: The less English speaking, the better the service
5. Nightcap: While paying for your meal, you get the opportunity for a cheap mint chocolate candy if you put a quarter in that slot in the box that may or may not go to some charity you've never heard of.
6. Nomenclature: Every town has to have a Las Palmas or a La Hacienda
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Comments (4)
that just about sums it up. hysterical!
Funny. You forgot the warning signs - Chinese: if there is King in the name it means they have the most health department citations. Italian: if they have a kids' menu and it has any O food (as in spaghettiO), expect the sauce to be from a can, the mushrooms too. Mexican: If there is piped in music run, if it is piped in soccor commentary, in Spanish, you have just hit the jackpot! At least that is how it is in our neck of the woods.
I love it when you make me laugh a dozen times in 60 seconds. Thanks for being witty and coming up with new material. I also love how our conversations turn into these elaborate posts. I love being a part of your world. I love you, too.
exACTly...and make sure your wife writes that letter. if nothing else, it will make me laugh...